Sometimes life seems so routine, going through the motions. Not sure if it’s a good or bad thing. I think I stop thinking when I become routine in my actions. I become comfortable, when I become comfortable I become careless. I have enjoyed many parts of this week, I met a really enjoyable person to be around. I hope I get to spend more time with her, if not I think of it as a tender mercy. It was a nice reminder that Heavenly Father is watching out for me. I think God puts many different people in our lives for many different reasons. I don’t think I can say that I really get along with many people. I can have good conversations with people, but to really be myself and really get along doesn’t happen much. Right now I am sitting on the couch and all I hear is the sound of the fan in my computer, and the rapid click, clack of the keys being pressed down by my fingers. I like silence, its relaxing. I usually experience it in the morning when I read my scriptures. Its one of the reasons I wake up at 5am. Tonight I got a little frustrated with time, I was stuck in a situation that I didn’t mind being there but I would rather be somewhere else. I notice now that I was being impatient, there wasn’t anything that I could really do so I should have tried to enjoy it more and just wait. Today the 19th of February 11, was my FHE sister’s birthday. We went down to Idaho Falls and ate dinner and then went over to another one of my FHE sister’s home and played some games. I guess I was impatient because part of the trip was so mundane, I just wasn’t feeling it. I think that I talk too much, as well as keeping my opinions to myself; I sometimes feel that I don’t have anything important to say. This past Wednesday we had a group meeting for my online New Testament class and I tried to contribute to the conversation and felt kind of stupid. Maybe I am just hard on myself but none the less. School has been crazy busy this week, I took my B212 midterm exam about statistics, which I find very difficult and not the most interesting subject and have like usual been busy with accounting, which I actually might change from my minor to my major. I enjoy the challenge of it. I really enjoy writing, and maybe I will learn to write the most important things and maybe someday someone will find it interesting to read. Its 12:30 a.m. and my eyes are starting to become heavy. I want to write more. Writing relaxes me, its nice because when typing I really don’t even have to look at the keyboard it’s all just muscle memory, I am actually trying it write now, I am leaning back with my eyes closed and my head relaxing on the arm of the couch. I was thinking about it today how I know I am such a dork, I hope I find a girl who likes my dorkiness. I told some people that I crotched a hat once and they kind of teased or at least I felt teased from their comment. It didn’t really hurt my feelings but I like to know the basics of many things. Cassie my younger sister taught me how to sew a little bag. Cassie said it was pretty ugly, I guess I didn’t do that good of a job but I was proud of it. She said that if a guy gave it to her she would throw it away, I know she was kidding but it did hurt. I did have it in mind in giving it to a girl that I had dated in the past and at that time I somewhat liked. I brought it to a dinner party that we were having with some friends, I knew that she was going to be there. I had showed to a couple of my friends that were going to be there and they kind of laughed at it, thought it was neat. I showed it to the girl, hoping to spend a little time with her later ( I like spending one on one time with people sometimes) and give it to her. I was really nervous to ask her and when the time someone suggested we watch a movie, I saw my opportunity. I don’t always like movies, its just a bunch of people staring at a glass box for a couple of hours, no real conversation, not my thing. When I asked her I was really shocked what she said, I don’t know if she was irritated at me or what. Her response was “Braden! This is not a date.” And then walked past me. I was crushed, my feelings overcame me. What was I to do? I don’t think it would have hurt nearly as bad coming from other people. I ended up throwing the little bag away, out of frustration. I have learned through experience, that when you know someone. Not just skimming the top know them but know their likes, and dislikes. Know what makes them sad, happy, irritated, uncomfortable. Many people might say know them like the back of your hand. That is when it really hurts. I think she knew how to hurt me, what to say, how to say it, and she did. I am unaware of if she did this consciously or unconsciously. I decided to leave, what was I to do? I threw away the remaining of my pie that I had been eating only taking the essential things with me that I had brought. I will come back for the rest at a later date. I left, that was the last time I saw her, and most likely ever will. We didn’t talk for the next month and a half, it didn’t surprise me. It had happened before, several times. We would talk for a while then stop talking for a couple months or however long it was. It got old and it was emotionally draining. I think our personalities got along well but that was about it. I don’t think anyone deserves to be treated like that. It makes me think of how I treat people, I never purposely try and treat people poorly but I am pretty sure that I have. I just don’t always know how to handle it. Sometimes I feel that it was so far in the past that brining up the past will just cause more problems. I pray to meet someone who I can call my best friend, someone that I can be myself around, someone that I don’t have to be touchy feely in order to enjoy their presence but can just laugh around and when needed have serious conversations. So I went to bed after that last sentence and now am awake again. I don’t sleep well very often, I think that I already mentioned that in this entry, well surprise, surprise last night wasn’t any different. It snowed quite a bit last night, oh how I dislike snow, especially the crunching sound. I am really looking forward to church today, I get to teach. I really enjoy teaching.
Neal A. Maxwell - “Trials and tribulations tend to squeeze the artificiality out of us, leaving the essence of what we really are and clarifying what we really yearn for.”
